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| hey everyone.. long time no talk.
well.. sadly enough I continue to forget about doing journal entries but since I am usually so tired I don't really see a point in logging in sometime. I did a photoshoot today - It fucking sucked. Absolutely useless. I'll try again tomorow, need an update in the photography section you see.. that will be all. I am still setting up my web site so it may be just a little longer before it's up and running. Once I do, I will have a "news" page in which I will update "journal" type things on there instead. That doesn't mean I wont update this place nomore though, quite the opposite really, far more work will be submitted here and all before it comes onto my page should I choose to put it on there, so do check back once a while. That will be all for now, i'm off to go work out.
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| On a cold October night in 1912, the wealthy owners of the Barrington Hotel threw a costume party in their penthouse suite. Sometime during the party, a fire broke out and to the horror of the guests, all the exits were blocked. Those attempting to rescue the victims were frustrated by the screams of those trapped behind the locked doors. Little did they know that the real horror wasn't the spreading fire, but the chainsaw wielding maniac that had trapped the partiers in the suite and was now methodically cutting off their hands to further prevent them from leaving. Their only hope of survival was to the find the 13th door. No one did and they all perished...
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| In between Shakespeare and the scribbles of a ten year old writing about what he wants to be when he grows up, I find myself. In between somebody else's quotes about heroism in life and the crushing blows of the truth I, I find myself. In between too little, too late and not yet, my friend, I find myself. We're all somewhere between suicide notes and love letters. It's not worth turning water into wine if there's nothing learned by it. Sometimes I think I must be the happiest person on Earth. It's good to not have any vices. It's a very good feeling to be clean. I don't really know what fun is or what I think is fun or what I really like to do. I am still not very good with thinking about monetary issues or considering what the future is like. I seem to never know how I, or anyone, feels about anything. I know what I dislike, although I'm not always positive as to why. Either I am very intelligent, or I'm good at pretending to be.
I'm in between something big, I think. I hope.
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Depression
It crawls out of dark nooks and crannies
Its tendrils wispy and clinging,
Like an eerie mist
It saps your soul and makes you lifeless.
It makes you blue
It has attacked your blood
Makes you fall ... and fall ... and fall ...
Into the pit of dispair.
You seek offence and yet can only moan,
Life is against you,
No refuge. No hope.
Then it wanders on, leaving the husks behind,
To creep up on some other unsuspecting soul.
To kill another dream.
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I'm not as smart as I once thought I was. Not as handsome as my mother would tell me. I really can't sing the way I hear myself when I sing into my pillow. I don't draw as well as people say I do. I don't have the energy to run. I don't have the space to hide. I'm too afraid to change. Too miserable to stay the same. I want to dream and fuck and fuck in my dreams. Then I want to wake up and everyone will be gone. I'll be surrounded by a black, sad world. A world that rained tears and leaves were the darkest shade of purple. People had dark hair and all loved themselves and loved each other and I can still hate me and they wouldn't mind. A world where I can feel at peace. I want to live somewhere by the sea, where nothing can begin, continue, or end.
Tommorow will be the same. So will the next day. All there ever is for me when I wake is that dream still lingering in my head, which I can't even describe. I'll never really know how I feel, only that I'll do the right thing if I ever find out what that truly is. But I just can't see through it all anymore. Just black clouds and faces I don't want to recognize anymore. Places that have been weathered in my memory. And my reflection, going nowhere while people are running circles around me, but still going nowhere. Maybe it makes more sense to just realize that nothing will ever make sense. I'll never know. | | |
| Ok seriously, WHY THE FUCK IS 'U2' THE MOST IMPORTANT BAND IN THE WORLD??!?!??!! everything they do comes up in WORLD STORIES in Yahoo. NO other band have I ever seen up there. Tell me why, now.
Ok except for that,
I've been a busy little bee (oh my god what a camp thing to say ) doing pretty much only 'art' thingies these days, very lil poetry and modeling. Working on my actual drawing skills especially. Kinda fun as a change from all that computer stuff. I shall scan in some stuff pretty soon and maybe try and convince Alex into continueing some on photoshop.
real interesting, I know ... fuck you smart ass.
Im having some SERIOUS memory problems these days, like earlier I went to the shop came back, walked up the stairs and then discovered I had absolutely no clue how the fuck I just got up there.. I mean , I obviously know I went up the stairs because im not much of a climber so me climbing the walls of my house without falling down and cracking my skull open seems unreasonable, but thats not the point. I dont actually remember walking up those things. Its stuff like that... Probably because im so gothic and because im so goddamn cool and suicidal + love darkness and pain.
(im just kidding in case the bright ones along with you dumb basterds didnt realize)
Currently im getting stoned as hell on Sunny D or watever you call that poison, its so fucking bad tasting, yet I cant resist drinking it for some reason.. they throw some shit in there , I can tell you that much, just like they do with pringles ('once you pop you cant stop' my ass - throw some more addicting chemicals in there you sick fucks)
Actually I shouldn't bitch about belgian manufactured materials at the risk of a potential break up. Most of the time Belgium is one of the greatest countries in the world and I say 'most of the time' because im keeping in mind a couple of incredibly emberassing football events. Then again who gives a cunt about football huh.
Dont you hate it when you catch yourself doing something seriously idiotic? Just now I realized Nirvana was playing on my computer and it makes you wonder whats wrong with the world if stuff like that can actually happen, how did it get there? Why hadnt I turned it off? Did I not realise? So many questions just before you die of all loss of self respect. It sucks. Well, fuck it.
Peace. (and not the ghetto ganster peace either) | | |
| "Either kill me or take me as I am because I'll be damned if I ever change." -Marquis De Sade-
“You can only become who you really are, when you no longer believe what others have convinced you to be.” -MM-
"Look down on me and I'm nothing, look up to me and I'm God, look straight at me and I am YOU." -Charles Manson- | | |
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